Archive for November, 2009

What Ever Happened To Fist Fights?

November 3, 2009

I like to fight.  What I mean is, I love the visceral thrill of punching and being punched, of grappling on the ground, of mano a mano combat.  And I’m pretty good at it, between some, ahem, unspecified special forces training and many years of combat-oriented martial arts.  But it genuinely disappoints me that good ole fist fights just don’t happen any more.  Nowadays, if two people get in to an argument at a bar, it’s likely to go to knives, guns or a riot.  What happened to one-on-one, settle-your-differences fights out back?  After it’s over, you clean up, maybe even pat the other guy on the back, and go your separate ways.

OK, those days were pretty much over by the time I was in high school, even then a lot of people were carrying, but I had a few good hand-to-hand fights.  Used to be, you could get in to it with someone and figure that either you’d kick their ass or they’d kick yours, and if it was the latter, you put on a BandAid and chalked it up to experience.  Now, they are likely to turn it in to a kill-or-be-killed situation.  And I’m really good at killing and really averse to being killed, but if someone has a blade or a piece, there’s no telling what will happen.  That’s why I prefer insulting people anonymously online now.  🙂


LSD: A How-To

November 2, 2009

So I think I’m one of the last people in the U.S. to actually do LSD, and that was like 15 years ago.  It’s been supplanted by ecstasy (for party people) and meth (for those who want to be psychotic.)  Which is kind of sad, because in my experience no other drug – even other psychadelics like peyote and psilocybin – have the “mind blowing” intensity of LSD.  Really, if you’ve never done it, you’re trapped in a single reality and probably don’t know it.  Anyway, out of a sense of nostalgia, I thought I’d present you with the rules we established in those long ago high school days for using LSD.  Other than the first 3, these are highly mutable, as we usually invented them while tripping our asses off and forgot them by the next trip.

1. Don’t touch your eyes or your balls. (Rationale: Since you can’t feel pain, you might rub them too hard and… ewwww.)

2. Don’t forget your jacket.  The corollary to this rule was to always put anything you might need that night in your jacket pockets *before* you started tripping: money, cigarettes, lighter, trip toys, vitamin C, etc.  Otherwise, you’re guaranteed to lose something, and that loss will feel catastrophic when you discover it.  This rule was so important we began referring to jackets as our “No. 2’s”.

3. No flying!! (Partly a jest about the urban myth that trippers think they can fly and fall to their deaths.  OTOH, I can see that really happening.)

4. Listen to your babysitter, if any.  Also, don’t piss them off.  We often had someone who was not tripping along to take care of those who were, especially in public / social situations.

5. Remember your hat, too.  This was especially critical when walking long distances in the snow.

6. Don’t listen to “The Wall” while coming down at 4:00 am, no matter how beautiful it may sound.

7. Smoke menthols, even if you don’t normally.  Regular cigarettes will taste like shit by the end of the night but you’ll still chain smoke.

8. If it happens to be Halloween, don’t try to guess who is in costume and who is not.  You’ll be wrong.

9. Never get in a fight.  Not because you’ll lose, but because you’ll tear them apart.  No pain + fast reflexes + plus an absolute lack of social restraint = not good.

10. Never, ever be around anyone you’re attracted to, or anyone who is attracted to you.  You’ll embarrass yourself, hurt them, piss them off, and maybe even get arrested.  Never try to have sex.  Never call anyone you have a crush on.  Actually, don’t call anyone.


There probably should have been a #11: write down the rules, cuz there’s no way you’d remember all those.  That is all.  Be safe.